Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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