i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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