tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize