and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
