her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
