i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
