there's paper in my vomit.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
its liver damage thursday
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