dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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