I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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