Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
did you just send me my own nude
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize