Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize