I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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