If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
