We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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