do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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