i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
