Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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