Plan B is the new Plan A
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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