I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize