I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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