Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
