I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
