So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
