I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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