Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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