just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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