The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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