I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wanna passion pit in your ass
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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