my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
