if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
