11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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