I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
