she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
