I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize