i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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