Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
