"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Randomize