when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
