The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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