When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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