Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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