Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
