I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
