Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
