Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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