His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
