i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
