my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
