I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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