taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
