You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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