my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize