You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
