There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
