I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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