piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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