if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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