so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
