Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
