I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
