My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
