after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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