I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My ass is underappreciated
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
