I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Randomize
