I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
