I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
