we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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