Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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