I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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