the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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