cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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