wanna go halves on a baby?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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