you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
