I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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