Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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