and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
